If You Only Knew
by Muggleborn-Meghan1992
Summary: Ever wondered what you were missing out on because Bella's telling the story? Well, now it's Jacob's turn... Jacob POV New Moon. I stayed with the plotline, I just wanted to give him a chance to tell his side.
1. Chapter 1

Voices in my head….I couldn't think around the pain enough to realize that it didn't make sense for me to hear them…every part of me shaking and burning…

_Jake…_

_Not him too…_

I could hear empathy oozing through the voices. It angered me. Why should they feel empathy for me? How could they? They had no idea what I was going through. My mind felt intruded, invaded. I was not alone anymore. I was losing myself. Was I going crazy, then? I heard another voice then. Louder than the others, more powerful.

_Go._ It said. How could voices go? Where would they go to? Would they come back?

Tremors rocked up and down my body, as my insides fought to pull themselves apart. My bones felt like crunching beneath the extreme pressure they were under, and I could feel my eyes rolling madly, seeing nothing. When would this agony _stop?_

I could hear my father, talking to me, trying to comfort me, even though his voice sounded off…as if I hadn't truly heard it in the last sixteen years of my life. Although I could hear him, I could also tell he wasn't right next to me like he should have been.

"Jake, take it easy. It's okay. It'll be all right." His calm voice just pissed me off more. If everything thing was all right, then _what the hell was happening to me?_

He seemed to sense my tension, and he stopped talking to me. I couldn't decide if this was better or worse. And then, as the pain rose another notch, it didn't matter to me anymore. I couldn't comprehend this pain… it worse than anything I'd ever dreamt I might feel. My thoughts blurred as my mind spun, trying to find a way to escape the pain.

It seemed like eons later that I found myself actually forming thoughts. Or…not my thoughts. I heard words, but it wasn't me who said them.

_Jacob Black. _The voice was familiar, but something about it made my hair stand up on end. I realized there was a hell of a lot more hair than there should be.

_Calm yourself Jacob. You wouldn't want to do anything with your father in such close proximity. _

The irritating voice did make some sense. Where was Billy? I felt disoriented, unable to take in what my senses were telling me.

Because suddenly, I had much more than I was used to. The sense of smell was the strongest…it was almost over powering. I could smell _everything. _The Ragu sauce I'd spilt on the floor last week, but had cleaned up. The scent of the detergent on the sheets, which I'd never been able to detect before. Even Billy's cup of coffee in the kitchen, left over from this morning.

I was so busy taking into consideration all of the things I was smelling that I forgot for a second to stop and think about what else I could hear and see…and my original train of thought. Where was my father?

I felt the other… presence in my head. I couldn't call it a voice at the moment because it was silent. Yet, somehow I knew it was there. I couldn't describe it. And hadn't there been multiple voices earlier? I tried to stand up from the floor, which I didn't realize until that moment that I'd been laying on. The movement seemed unnatural. When I was at my full height, I realized that my head was touching the top of the ceiling.

What the hell?

_Jacob, do not panic. You need to lie back down, and concentrate on reining in your wolf. _The voice still wasn't making sense, but it was getting more irritating. My wolf? I must be having some weird dream…I shook my head to clear my thoughts. And suddenly, it clicked. _My wolf. _This had to be a freaking nightmare!

Yet, even as my human mind cringed from the information it was putting together, I could feel the animal instincts building inside of me. I saw my long snout; I felt my ears prick back and forth; I could feel the slight breeze coming in through the window slink through my thick fur coat. I was standing on four legs. My human mind instantly tried to protect itself by denying the obvious conclusion. After all…I couldn't be…an animal! What kind of a freak was I?

_You're not a freak, Jacob Black. And you are not alone. _

_I don't know who you think you are, but get out of my damn mind! Leave me alone! _My wolf self felt…not frightened. But wary. Tensed for a fight. The other presence in my mind read my intentions.

_I do not wish to fight you. I want to help you…let us help you. We are your pack. Your brothers._

_Brothers? Pack? I'm not a wolf! I'm a normal teenage guy! I don't want this!_ I started to pace around my room, only to realize that I couldn't because my mass filled up so much of the tiny space. I heard Billy move in the other room. I panicked. He was coming to see me…no he couldn't see me this way!

_He already knows, Jacob. _The voice sounded infuriatingly sure, but how could Billy know?

_Did you really think all of our legends were just stories told for entertainment?_

_What else could they be told for? _I screamed at the voice in my head. Billy sat in the doorway now, his wheel chair positioned toward me. But when he looked at me, he did not look afraid. He looked sad, yes, but he wasn't scared of me. I took the voice's earlier advice and laid down.

"Jake…Jacob. I'm so sorry this had to happen to you…." It was the first time I'd ever seen tears in my father's eyes. "I wish it wasn't you. But you have to go to Sam and the others. They'll help you Jake…"

SAM? What was Billy going on about? He knew how much I didn't like Sam and his sickeningly loyal followers.

_I'm glad you have such a high opinion of me. _The voice in my head sounded almost sarcastic, but not quite. _But your father is right…we can help you. _

_Sam? Sam Uley?_

_Yes. But put away your preconceived notions of me, and let me help you. _

As pissed as I was, as much as I hated him with every bone in my body for what he did to Embry and the way he looked at me…I couldn't dispute the fact that I needed him. Billy was there, but I knew he couldn't help me. Sam could. He knew what was going on….and I could always chew him out later. I shuddered as I realized that I probably literally _could _with the rows of razor sharp canines I could feel in my enormous mouth.

_I doubt it. _He responded. _But if that's what calms your thoughts, so be it. _

I tried not to let the flare of anger I felt grow. I tried to contain it. Sam felt me try to remain calm.

_Good, Jacob. Controlling your anger is the key. It's what triggers our…change. _

_Okay, I get that you're trying to be all soothing, but will you _please _stop saying my name? It's annoying. _

_If you wish. _came his reply. He continued his instructions. _Now, close your eyes. Think of something peaceful. The quivering will stop soon. _I tried to think of easier, happier moments.

_I feel like a hippie. _I told him.Sam sighed.

_Sarcasm won't help Jacob. You have all the time in the world to get it out when you're human again. _I wanted to retaliate, but I sensed the truth in his words that my mockery wasn't helping. So, I went back to trying to find happy things in my memory.

Bella was the first thing that came to mind. Not that she was exactly happy all the time…but she made me happy. She was my best friend. If only she wasn't so upset by what Cullen had done to her…

I felt the shift of emotion in Sam's thoughts. As much as he was trying to remain calm to help me, he couldn't stop the hate flowing through his mind.

_What's the matter? _I asked, not really caring, mostly just searching for conversation to keep me calm.

_We'll discuss it later. _The tone to his words was so final that I didn't bring it up again. I sat still, and continued thinking of Bella and of hanging out in the garage with Quil and Embry…I almost felt the resentment and anger against Sam flare up at the thought of losing Embry, and then before I even had to try to stop it, my mind came up with a new thought.

_This is what happened to him, isn't it? He joined your…pack. _

_Yes. _Sam said solemnly. _I wish he hadn't…or rather, I wish that he didn't have to. That none of us did. _

_Why _DO _we make this change? _Keeping conversation with him was helping me be calm and rational.

_Do you remember none of your people's stories Jacob?_ I thought on it for a moment.

_You aren't literally trying to tell me there's really vampires out there too are you? You're insane._

_This isn't proof enough for you? _Sam asked. But before I could answer, he spoke again. His voice seemed fainter, and my senses dulled. _After your open your eyes Jacob, I want you to meet us as soon as you can. Behind the store. _

I wanted to ask more questions, but his voice faded from my consciousness. I felt like shit. I was lying on the floor again, and it was uncomfortable under my aching body.

"Ughhhh." I groaned as I rolled over. Billy was still a few feet a way. I couldn't look at him. How could he not see me as a monster? But if Sam was right…Billy had known this was coming. His words from a few weeks earlier now made sense.

_It's nothing you need to worry about now Jacob. In a few years, if you don't…well I'll explain later. _

I'd asked him about the whole thing with Sam and Embry, and that had been his response. I shook angrily. I had to remind myself to stay calm, and take deep breaths.

"I have to go." I told him. He nodded.

"I figured. You might want to put some clothes on first though." He said. I looked at the floor and saw the shredded remains of my shirt and jeans I'd been wearing earlier to the movies. I didn't respond to him, just quickly threw on some cutoff jeans and another shirt. He left the room and I heard him roll himself into the kitchen. How odd. My hearing wasn't as acute as it had been before…when I was…I couldn't even think the word. Not yet. But my hearing was way better than it used to be.

I tossed Billy a quick glance as I bolted out the door. I still saw the sadness on his face…but there was something else too. Something that, although I'm sure he'd never admit it, looked suspiciously like pride.


	2. Chapter 2

**All things Twilight are strictly Stephanie Meyers. I do not own it. I'm just giving my input to her wonderful brilliance. She hasn't created Jacob's side, and I just felt like there was so much missing. I thought perhaps others might want to see it too. Even if it is my version.**

**If you're reading, I hope you enjoy it. Any questions or comments are appreciated. **

**Meghan**

I was wary as I stepped behind the store, into the woods, which should have been pitch black, but hid nothing from my new eyes. I felt the others there before I saw them. I saw Embry first.

I didn't know if Sam had strategically sent Embry into my line of vision first because he knew it wouldn't set me off, or if it just happened to be a coincidence.

"Hey Jake." Embry tried to sound casual, but I could hear something off about his voice. I nodded at him, but he only occupied half of my attention. My wolf side was telling me to worry about the other threat, the boys who were standing behind Embry. I counted three.

Sam, I recognized immediately. After another moment, I also realized I knew the other two, Paul and Jared. Paul had graduated last year, and Jared was a year ahead of me. I growled. They were part of Sam's cult.

I knew I was going to have to stop thinking of it that way, since I was part of it too now, but those feelings weren't just going to instantaneously disappear.

"Jacob. Thank you for meeting us here." Sam said, holding his hand out to me. I looked at it, but didn't shake it. No way was I going to willingly become all buddy-buddy with these guys.

"I didn't really have much of a choice." I snarled at him. The way my words came out astounded me. I'd never spoken that way to anyone before in my life.

"None of us had a choice." Sam said reasonably. The other two nodded, and Embry just looked at me sadly.

"Yeah, at least you had someone to help you." Paul sniffed angrily. I stiffened in response. I wasn't sure if it was me or the wolf reacting to Paul's unfriendliness.

"_Help?_ That's what you call the crap that was going on in my head?" I wanted to punch him in the face. "You stupid son of a-"

Paul seemed more than willing to retaliate, and as his form seemed to shimmer and shake before my eyes, I wondered if it would always be this hard to control my anger, or if Paul was just an idiot. Before any damage could be done however, Sam put a hand on either of us.

"Calm down! Both of you." He turned to me. I remembered him doing something similar to Paul in the store a few months ago when Quil had popped off to him. I stayed silent and tried to work on holding my shape together while Sam calmed Paul down. Jared and Embry looked on, as if Paul losing his temper was nothing new. They did nothing to help Sam, but just stood, looking on. Once Paul had stopped shaking, Sam turned back to me.

"I'm sorry you had to see that. The point of us meeting was not to show you the worst side of us, but tell you about what we do."

"Don't make this sound like it's some kind of job, or recruitment Sam." I told him threateningly. "I don't give a damn about what you do or don't do. I don't want to be a part of it."

"You really don't get it, do you?" It was Jared who spoke this time. He didn't seem angry, just like he was trying to explain. "This didn't just happen to us. We're made this way for a _reason_."

"Which is what exactly?" I said skeptically. "Are you going to tell me now that we change into big giant wolves to go…I don't know, kill vampires or something?" All of them were silent, but I could almost feel the hate burning from all of them.

"Are you out of your minds? Vampires? Shit." I shook my head. "The rest of you idiots may be dumb enough to fall for this, but I can't believe you would Embry."

I shot him a look. He didn't glance down, or even look guilty. He met my glare head on, and said quietly, "I believe it because it's true." Everyone else was silent. I looked around the circle, hoping desperately that this was either a dream or a practical joke.

"But…_how?_" I asked. Sam cleared his throat. It was clear that he was in charge of the group of boys.

"That's what I was talking about while you were in you wolf form, Jacob. I didn't want to risk telling you then, for fear that you might hurt Billy or even yourself accidentally." He paused, unsure if I really understood him.

"I'm listening." I told him irritably. "Just keep going."

"You know all of our legends, about the spirit warriors, the tales of the wolf as our brothers, and…the cold ones."

I nodded. "Vampires."

"I know you don't believe Jake, but you have to. Why else would this happen? The Cullens-"

"What about them?" I asked. I remembered Sam's reaction earlier when I had thought about the youngest one and what he had done to Bella.

"Surely you aren't that dumb." Paul huffed. I growled at him again, but this time, he seemed to just barely keep his cool. I glared at him. Sam didn't say anything, just waited and watched our reactions to each other. Paul ignored Sam and kept talking.

"The _Cullens _are the reason we are this way. Those freaking leeches...well why don't you just go ask your little girlfriend? She knows _allll _about them." Every syllable he spoke dripped with ferocious resentment.

"Shut. Up." I said quietly. I couldn't keep the vibrations from shooting up and down my back this time. "Don't you ever talk about her!" Paul sensed that I was changing, which only made him more mad.

"How can you defend that leech lover? They're the reason our whole tribe has to go through this, and _she _just loves them!" That did it. I felt my body rip apart. There was no pain this time. Just the easy, almost natural shifting from man to wolf. Nanoseconds later, Paul had phased too, and instead of a boy, there was an enormous silver wolf. I heard his thoughts as he shifted.

_Stay the hell away from me. _I growled. _Don't you take a step closer, or I swear I'll rip your legs off. _ Paul smirked and took a step closer.

_I'd love to see you try it Black. I'll have you on your back so fast you won't know what hit you. _I tensed myself, ready for a good, knock-down-drag-out fight, but then there was another presence.

Sam's. I hadn't noticed he'd phased, because I'd been concentrating on Paul.

_You WILL both calm down. Now. _Sam's voice said. I felt the power in his order, and knew it could not be refused. I sat down on my haunches, still mentally grumbling, but unwilling…or unable, I wasn't sure, to fight Paul anymore. Paul didn't sit, but didn't move towards me or act threatening in any way.

_Good. Now both of you, please phase back so we can actually talk. The sun will be coming up soon. We can't have any one see us. And we have to get Embry back before his mom notices he's gone. _ Paul was human again quicker than I was. I didn't want to phase back.

Sam was still in my mind.

_Why not? _He asked. _Moments ago, you wanted nothing to do with us. _

_I feel…different. I want to know. I don't want to go back home yet though…I don't want to have to face my dad. _ Sam was silent for a moment.

_All right. _He consented. _We'll go for a run. Just let me send the others back…I'll explain everything to you. _I waited while Sam phased back for a moment, so he could give instructions to the others. I waited while he told them to go, and that he was going to run with me, as a wolf. I felt his mind join mine moments later, after the others had left. He took off at a medium paced run through the forest. I followed him reluctantly.

_What do you want to know first? _Sam asked. I thought about it.

_How come, if we turn into wolves to fight the vampires, I've never seen my dad or any of the others on the council do it?_

_Our change seems to need some sort of…catalyst to set it off. It was absent in our father's generation. But now that the Cullens have returned, we who are on the brink of manhood, and who have Taha Aki's blood running through our veins, will all join the pack. _

_But…_I stammered mentally, _The Cullens are gone! We all know that, so why is this still happening?_ Sam sighed again. It was a mournful sound.

_Because sometimes, Jacob, once things are set in motion, it is too late for them to be stopped. _

_Will we ever be able to stop doing this? Will it always be so…involuntary? _I shuddered at the thought.

_No. In time, you will gain enough control over your emotions to stop phasing completely. _He paused, and we ran silently for a moment or two.

_Why aren't we tired? _I asked him. Honestly curious. I felt as if I could keep up this pace for days, although we had to be moving pretty fast.

_Wolf thing. _He said, and then he grinned a wolfish smile. _The speed is one of the best things about it. You could probably maintain this pace for days if you wanted to._

And so, as the sun continued to rise, we kept running. I asked him question after question, and he answered me as best he could. I didn't want to go home yet, but I knew that I had to. Not only did I have to face my Dad, but I needed to call Bella and tell her that I was okay.

_No._ Sam said, suddenly halting. I stopped running too and turned back around to face him.

_No what? _I asked, confused. I ran back over my thoughts, trying to find something that would have made Sam react that way.

_You can't tell her, Jacob. No one knows about us._ I snorted and then laughed.

_You make it sound like its some super secret society, Sam. _A society that no one had a choice of saying no to. I didn't mean for him to hear the latter part of the thought, but he did anyway. We started walking together again, through the mountains and the brush that grew there.

_I don't mean to sound that way. But no one outside of the council even knows that our species still exists. Would you want that kind of information getting back to the vampires? _Instantly I felt my blood run cold. With everything that Sam had told me about them…plus what Cullen had done to Bella…I hated them. More than I had ever disliked Sam. And of course they couldn't have that kind of information. It didn't matter if we weren't allowed to kill them because of the stupid treaty…we had the one up on them in case we ever needed it.

_They aren't coming back Sam. _As I thought it I prayed the words were true. _But even if they were, Bella wouldn't tell them about us. _Sam shook his big, black head.

_I'm sorry Jacob, but I can't take that chance. You will not tell her. _Although he said it gently, I could hear the Alpha's command in his voice. I couldn't tell the girl that I loved what I was…and it was going to be hell. I'd never had to keep a secret from Bella before.

_She's going to know I'm not telling her something the next time we hang out. _I said sadly.

_Jacob…_Sam started to say, and then hesitated.

_What? _

_I don't…I don't think it's a good idea for you to see her anymore. _This time it was me who stopped suddenly.

_I can't do that Sam…it would kill me. I can't imagine what it would do to her. You have no idea how bad she needs me. _I ran over images and conversations in my mind. Bella, the night Sam had found her in the woods where Cullen left her; Bella, the first time she'd come to my house with the motorcycles looking like the living dead; and finally, the more recent version of her face, the one that looked like it had life in it, the one where she looked happier…the face that was there because of me. Sam overlooked what was going on in my mind.

_Jacob, I'm not telling you this for the good of the pack. You could hurt her. _

_I would _NEVER!

Sam winced at my internal yell.

_I know you would never hurt her on purpose, but think of what I did to Emily, and I've _imprinted_ on her. Would you really want to look at Bella every day for the rest of your life and know that you hurt her? _

This time, I saw his images…the day the he had nearly killed Emily. He still felt awful remorse for what he had accidentally done that day. _Or even if you don't physically harm her, imagine if you can make her happy, and can be everything she wants, but then YOU imprint, and find your true other half. Where would that leave her? _

More images, this time of a heartbroken Leah. I understood what he was saying, that it could be even worse than what I'm doing right now.

_I don't think I would do that to her Sam…_

_But do you really want to take the chance, brother?_

It was the first time he had called me that. In that moment I knew he was really trying to look out for me. And I also knew he was right. I couldn't do that to Bella. I loved her too much. Now I had to love her enough to let her go.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you to my Beta, Hermioneoftherealworld. I really appreciate you trying so hard to get the chapter to me!**

**Disclaimer: All of the Twilight characters always have and always will belong to Stephanie Meyers. I enjoy her work, and I may write about it on fan fiction, but that by no means makes it mine.**

**Hope you enjoy the chapter, and please review. **

**Meghan**

The run with Sam had been beneficial in some ways. For the first time, I really heard the stories that my dad and the other tribe council members had been telling us for years. I still was incredibly pissed off about having to change into a gigantic wolf every time some blood sucking tick was around, but once I got over the shock, it really wasn't so bad. The speed alone pretty much made up for it all.

I'd come back to the woods near my house tired, mentally and physically, and prepared myself for the conversation with Billy that was sure to follow. Sam had wished me good luck and told me that he'd be around just in case I needed him. I'd thanked him, and then slowly sank back into my human self. Sam had given me the pair of shorts that were tethered to his back ankle, so that at least I wouldn't be walking stark naked up my front driveway.

Surprisingly, talking to Billy about all of it wasn't that bad. He'd mostly just tried to assure me that it didn't matter what I was, that I was his son and he loved me. He said he was proud to have a son brave enough to take the responsibility of the tribe on my shoulders. I'd wanted to say out loud that I hadn't really chosen to accept the duty, but felt it would have been just a little too rude. Not that I really minded normally, but it wasn't the right time for it. Just when I'd thought we were done, and turned to go lay down in my room, he'd spoken again.

"Oh, and Jake, Bella called last night. She was worried when you didn't call her." I froze, and turned, my limbs trembling back to Billy.

"What did she say?" I asked. Crap…I knew I'd have to deal with Bella, I just didn't realize that it would have to be this soon. What would I say to her? How could I explain my sudden absence in her life? She wouldn't just take it lying down. If I ignored the phone, then she'd eventually come to see me, and I couldn't have that. Not yet. I wasn't controlled enough to manage my temper around her, and I'd never forgive myself if I did anything to hurt her. Well, hurt her worse than what I was going to have to. The thought saddened me. Billy watched me for a moment, and then finally interrupted my internal monologue.

"She just said that you were supposed to call, and that you were getting sick when you left, and that she was worried about you making it home okay." I waited for him to go on. "I bought you some time by telling her that you were just too sick to call her when you got back and not to come down. But I don't know how long that's going to hold, kid. You'll have to pick up the phone sooner or later and tell her." His voice was sad for me, and I knew in that moment that my father had seen how much I cared for her.

I promised him that I would try to call her as soon as I could think of something to say. But I hadn't been putting forth much effort in the last day to think of anything concerning Bella, much less what to say to her when she finally called again. I knew it wouldn't be as easy as setting the issue aside and it just going away. Bella wasn't like that. It was already nearly three in the afternoon, and I still hadn't even made a move towards the phone. Of course, it would have been slightly more tempting to give Bella a call if the phone had been closer. My limbs and muscles and tendons all ached. There was no burn, no breaking or twisting sensation, but it was like I'd fallen out of a four story building and my body was trying to put itself back together again. The sensation was in no way pleasant.

My dad was up at Sue's house, a little ways away, and I was laid up on the couch. So I wasn't particularly thrilled when the phone, which was out of arm's reach, rang. I growled as I thought about moving. My wolf self didn't seem to feel the after affects of changing at all, but my human body was exhausted and sore beyond all reason. Sam assured me that the pain would go away, and soon, but I hated having to act like an invalid. The phone rang again. "Damn it." I said to myself.

I heaved myself up off the couch with a groan. My legs trembled unsteadily beneath me, and I considered just letting the phone ring. But, it might be important. I groaned again and shuffled myself over to where Billy had left the phone on the coffee table.

"Hello?" I said, and I knew how awful my voice sounded. It cracked on the last syllable of the word.

"Oh, Jake." Bella's voice came through the line, and filled me with warmth. "You sound horrible." I was, but it wasn't even the physical pain that was bothering me. Living without her was what was going to kill me.

"I...feel horrible." I said, honestly. The words came out a whisper. I knew she would attribute the words to pain, and some of it was. But the bigger, underlying pain was lying to her, no matter how small.

"I'm so sorry I made you go out with me." She said, her voice sympathetic. "This sucks." I wanted to scream at her. How could she possibly be holding herself responsible for this?

"I'm glad I went." I said, struggling to keep my voice calm. My racing heart sounded odd against the whisper of agony that was coming out of my mouth. "Don't blame yourself. This isn't your fault." God, I wished I could tell her just how much it wasn't.

"You'll get better soon." She said soothingly. "I woke up this morning, and I was fine." In between all of my other thoughts, what she said registered.

"You were sick?" I asked her. Crap. That sounded too concerned…I had to practice distancing myself from her.

"Yes I got it, too. But I'm fine now." She waited for a moment on the other end of the line while she waited for me to speak.

"That's good." I said. I tried to make myself sound as indifferent as I could. I could almost hear her confusion in her next words.

"So…you'll probably feel better in a few hours." She said. I couldn't tell if she meant to be encouraging, but the words sent up a flare of anger in me. This wasn't some illness that I just got over in a few hours, or days, or months…probably not even years.

I knew she had no idea that the statement would strike a nerve with me, but it didn't change the fact that it did. I was seeing red. I wasn't mad at her…just the leeches she loved so much. Of course, I couldn't tell her that. I had to lower my voice below its normal tone to keep the anger out of my voice when I answered her.

"I don't think I have the same thing you did." I hoped her regular human ears would be good enough to hear it, because for another moment or two, I couldn't risk raising my voice any.

"Don't you have the stomach flu?" she asked, puzzled. I wanted to laugh, but there wasn't any real humor. Just black, sarcastic, irony.

"No. This is something else." I hated that the words still sounded harsh, although I was speaking at a normal volume again.

"What's wrong with you?" She asked and her voice was filled with concern. My anger dissipated even more quickly than it had come. Of course I couldn't be mad at her. Here she was, worrying about _me,_ even when I was going to have to hurt her. I decided telling her a small part of the truth was a gift that I could give her.

" Everything. Every part of me hurts." …Including my heart. I left the last part of my statement unsaid. I was sure the pain in my voice had broken through, anyway. I knew that she'd heard it. And probably read more into it than just physical pain. Hell.

"What can I do Jake? What can I bring you?" I wanted to break down right then and there. The care in her voice was unmistakable. If I couldn't feel the Alpha's command binding my words before they could even fully form, then I wouldn't have had enough self control on my own to keep the secret from her. And then another realization hit me. She'd asked what she could bring…as if she was planning to come to the reservation.

"Nothing." I said roughly." You can't come here." My sentence was short and abrupt. I'd never spoken to her that way before…the only time it had come close was when I was talking to her about Embry and Sam. I shuddered involuntarily.

"I've already been exposed to whatever you have." She said stubbornly. I tried to act as if I hadn't heard her.

"I'll call you when I can. I'll let you know when you can come down again." I didn't mention that it probably wouldn't be this decade if or when she got that call. I could feel myself getting angry again…it was so damn difficult to control! My hands started shaking at the thought of what I was doing to her. I wasn't mad at anyone else this time…just myself.

"Jacob—" she started to say.

"I've got to go." I cut her off quickly. I could feel myself losing control. I wasn't going to be able to keep from breaking the phone if it was in my hand much longer.

"Call me when you feel better." I heard the disappointment in her voice, which only made my hate for me worse.

"Right." I said bitterly. Like I'd ever be able to do that. Like I'd _ever _be able to pretend that I was a normal human guy again. Or hold her, the way I'd wanted to. And take her out to her out, or go to prom…all the things I'd wanted for me and her. To make her whole and happy again.

All of the feelings that I'd been trying to repress kept throwing themselves up in my face, triggered by the love in Bella's voice. The love for me. That I knew she wouldn't admit…not for a long, long while. Thanks to that damn bloodsucker that'd left her…the fury was getting worse. Building inside me.

She hadn't said anything, and I knew she was waiting for me to add something, or maybe even say goodbye. I couldn't do it. Finally, she spoke again.

"I'll see you soon." She promised. I shook my head, even though she couldn't see me.

"Wait for me to call." I told her warily. If I knew Bella, she wouldn't. But I had to try to believe the fact that she would. If she didn't come…if she was able to stay away from me, then I hadn't meant as much to her as I thought I had. I shouldn't make it a competition in my head; it was really going to bite me in the butt later. But I couldn't help seeing it that way.

"Okay," she said, and I could tell that the conversation hadn't gone the way she'd wanted it to. "Bye, Jacob."

"Bella…" I said. It was both a goodbye and lament. I hung up the phone before she could say anything else. I felt tremors run up and down my body as I darted out the door before I could destroy my house. My body felt less sore, more sure of itself, as if it knew that soon the animal in my body take control. I tried to hold my shape together as I ran by the other houses in the immediate area surrounding my house. The dark and comforting woods were just feet away…

As soon as I was within their comforting boundaries, I let the change that had been fighting its way through me have way, and I felt the shimmer in the air around me that signaled my change. Jared and Embry were in wolf form, running some kind of patrol. Sam and Paul were absent.

_Jake? _Embry mentally called to me. He wasn't sure how to respond to my reaction. _What's wrong? _Unable to use words, I showed him my recent thoughts of what had happened. Jared tried to act as if he couldn't hear us, attempting to give us the allusion of privacy. He knew that I wouldn't want him to hear this. Hell, I didn't even want Embry to hear it. That was one of the shitty things about being a wolf, suddenly; your head wasn't your own anymore. You were sharing your thoughts with four other guys, and they weren't thoughts that you exactly wanted to make public. I guess if Jared had really been preoccupied, he could have ignored my thoughts. He heard me, and valiantly thought of Kim instead, his imprinted partner.

_Thank you. _I told him. I turned my thoughts back to Embry. _I don't want your pity. I want to be left alone. _

_We can't Jake. We're running the border. Sam's orders. _He said apologetically.

_Why? _I asked suspiciously, feeling the edge of excitement and nervousness to his voice.

_There's two hikers that went missing. No sign of them except for a couple of drops of blood…according to the human police. _He said condescendingly. But it wasn't the humans fault that their sense of smell was so impaired. I'd picked up on where his thoughts were headed. He mentally nodded at me.

_Female, by the smell of her, but definitely vamp. No others reported missing yet. But it doesn't look like La Push is her hunting ground. The hikers were near the road headed from here to Forks. _The idea terrified me. This creature was headed for Forks? Where Bella sat, unprotected?

_Easy, Jake. _Embry said. _The vampire chick may have just been passing through. _

_Yeah, what are the chances of her being anywhere near Bella? _Jared chimed in. He had decided that the turn of conversation was appropriate for him to join in.

_How the hell did she get past us in the first place? _I asked viciously.

_We didn't know that there was a vampire anywhere near! _Jared said defensively. _How were we supposed to know to set up a patrol for something that we didn't know was there?_ I thought about it for a moment and grudgingly decided he was right.

_Don't worry. _Embry said, trying to soothe me. _We'll make sure it doesn't happen again. Paul and Sam will be running during the weekdays while we're at school. We'll take night shifts, and then on the weekends, we'll all run together. And I think Sam intends to do some of the nights with us…_he said, more thinking to himself than to Jared and me.

_Let's just hope that she's moved on. If she hasn't than we'll take care of her. _Jared said to us.

_I'd love to sink my teeth into at least ONE vampire…_I muttered angrily.

In the midst of the new information, I'd almost completely forgotten about my earlier phone call with Bella. Of course, I couldn't help thinking of the Cullens, and that brought her to the forefront of my mind again. Embry whimpered.

_Don't do that to yourself, Jake. I know you really liked her, but you don't need her, you have us now. _I snorted.

_Hmmmm…beautiful girl that I'm pretty sure I'm in love with…or four guys? Two of which have already imprinted themselves. Decisions, decisions. _I said mockingly. _Nothing against any of you…but it really does hurt. _Both of them were silent. Embry hadn't ever felt as strongly about any girl as I did about Bella, so he couldn't really empathize. Jared, however, was thinking about what he would be like if he'd lost the object of his imprinting, Kim. He analyzed my reaction to his thoughts and bristled. I'd never really tried to listen to him before.

_I'd be messed up. _He admitted. _I wouldn't see the reason for it all anymore…not without her. _Finally. He got it. Not that I'd exactly wanted to have this conversation, but it was nice to know that I wasn't just completely insane.

_We haven't found anything new. I think we should go to Sam and Emily's and tell him that it's all clear. _

_Shouldn't we stay out here to make rounds? _I asked sullenly.

_No vampire is going to attack during the daytime. We're fine for now. _Jared assured me. However, I wasn't ready to go back to my human body; to deal with the pain that I knew would come with being able to feel the undiluted human emotions again. I said goodbye to them quickly and headed towards Forks.

It was dark now, so I could run freely along the road. I hadn't realized how long I'd been running along the borders of the reservation with Jared and Embry.

I only stepped back into the boundary of the forest when I heard the distant sounds of a car approaching, which combined with the lack of a large population and the time of night, wasn't very often. I didn't know why I was doing this to myself. I knew that I had to tell her goodbye. I'd already done it, basically, on the phone with her this afternoon. So why I was consciously headed towards her? Towards her home…

I knew the answer. Because I couldn't bear what I knew had to be done. I'd made the promise to never hurt her scarcely forty-eight hours previously, and I was already being forced to break it. Damn those leeches. If it weren't for them, then I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place! The anger flowed though me. I did not rein it in now. I neared Forks' borders I slowed to a trot and moved more stealthily. I took shelter in the woods near the Swan home. As I began to really think again, I noticed something. The woods did not smell like the normal, earthy, homey smell I had come to associate with the flora surrounding the reservation. It stank like vampire. The trails were all old, but they still burned my nose. It was icy and too sweet.

The strongest scent was the mind reading bloodsucker, although I smelled the faint traces of the rest of his coven also. It nearly made me sick. And I wished that I wasn't stuck out here in the woods like some creepy stalker waiting to see the girl I loved. I wanted to be able to walk in the front door, say hi to Charlie, and throw my arms around her and protect her for as long as I could. _I _could take better care of her better than that bloodsucker ever could, and yet, thanks to him, instead of living the fantasy I wanted, I was waiting out in the woods, protecting Bella from a creature almost identical to him.

I could hear Charlie watching a game downstairs in the living room. Baseball by the sound of it. Bella wasn't with him. I strained my ears to listen for her and finally heard the faint rustling of covers. So she was in bed then. I wondered if she was actually asleep, or just lying there, thinking of our conversation this afternoon. She mumbled some, but the words were just low enough that I couldn't make out what she had said.

Minutes more past and Charlie shut the TV set off. I guessed that he went to bed too, and soon I heard snoring from his side of the house. I moved closer to the house…if Bella said anything, I wouldn't be able to hear it over that roar. I lay down near the foot of the house, right under her window. I reminded myself that I was supposed to be here to protect her, and not to eavesdrop. But it was just so tempting to lay there and pretend that things could be normal between us. I would hear if anyone… or anything…came close to the house, and I would definitely smell a vampire if it got anywhere near me. So I was content to lie there, and daydream about what would have been between me and Bella. What could be, maybe. One day. I heard Bella move again under her covers, and she mumbled.

"Too green." Too green? Maybe she was dreaming about the forest then. Well that was nice. I loved all the greenery and the woods.

"Where? It has to be…" she didn't finish the sentence, but her voice sounded urgent, and just a little afraid. I wanted to scale the window and tell her it would be all right, even though I knew she was asleep and wasn't really in any trouble.

"No, no…." Her voice was rising. What on earth could she be dreaming about? Then, while I was contemplating, I heard a heart wrenching scream. It came from Bella's room. I jumped to my feet quickly and looked around. Was there something I had missed? I took a quick sniff of the air. Nope, no vampire stench. No fresh human smell either. So there was no one attacking the house. Bella's scream died off, and I knew that she had woken because there was a heavy breathing, and I could almost feel her terror floating through the half open bedroom window. I vaguely noticed that Charlie's snores had stopped, but there was no sound of footsteps, no comforting voice to tell me that he had gotten out of bed and come to reassure her.

Was this such a regular thing then, that Charlie had stopped going to check on her whenever she screamed? Were these nightmares the reason that she looked like a ghost, the dark circles under her eyes, and the general lack of healthiness about her? There were muffled tears now, probably silenced by a pillow. I felt my heart tear another piece of itself off for her. Why, why, _why _did things have to be this way? I wanted to be able to console her, and tell her that I was there for her. But I couldn't. Because I was not allowed to be there for her…forced to follow rules for her safety. I felt a giant tear roll out of my wolf eye and fall down into my fur.

Eventually, her tears quieted, and her breathing became regular again. Had she gone back to sleep? For a moment, I considered trying to just take a quick peek in and make sure that all was well, but I realized that if she were awake, she would see me, and even if she didn't…well I was feeling more stalkerish by the second. The guy part of my brain wondered what kind of nightclothes she slept it, or if she slept in them at all.

I wrenched my brain away from the thought. Bella was my friend. I wouldn't degrade her by thinking of her that way. It would be different if she were actually mine, if I'd-My thought was cut off as I heard her turn over again. And she made a soft sound.

"Jacob…" she murmured. I thought I might be hallucinating; my brain simply conjuring up the words because I'd be thinking once more of the life we could have together. But no, I couldn't have…I was unsure.

"Jake." Bella whispered again. _She was dreaming about me. _The thought made me so incredibly happy that I could barely contain it. She was thinking about me! I wanted to jump for joy. And then, reality brought me crashing back down to earth. Reality made me realize that no matter if she was thinking of me, whether subconsciously or not, it couldn't matter. Even though it let me know that I was on her mind, I shouldn't care. Because I couldn't be around her. And this just made it worse.

Reality freaking sucks.


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm very glad for the two people who've added my story to favorites, and for the one person who reviewed. I hope the rest of you, if you've read this far, would also please leave your thoughts and comments on the story.**

**Emily Watson and Sidney Ella Ford, thank you both very much for your input and editing on this chapter. Ya'll are awesome, and wonderful, wonderful Betas.**

**As you can plainly tell, by my writing, I am not Stephenie Meyers; therefore, I don't really need a disclaimer, do I? Please enjoy, and review.**

**Meghan**

After my epiphany at Bella's house, that night, I did not venture near her window again. Of course, I interwove my patrol route so that I passed the stretch of forest near the Swan residence, but I never got close enough again to hear her voice. I knew if I ever wanted to heal from the feelings I had for her, I had to follow the Stay-Away-From-Bella agenda. Quit before the addiction got worse.

I'd tried talking to individual members of the pack about it. Embry and Sam's advice was the same: "Stay away from her. You don't need her, and you might hurt her. You have the pack now." Jared was feeling more sympathetic. He told me to hope like hell I could just imprint soon and then I wouldn't have to worry about her anymore. I shuddered at the thought. I just couldn't imagine myself wanting anyone but Bella, not in any shape, form or fashion. I thanked Jared, but once I was back in my own head, I silently hoped that I would never have my will taken away from me like that.

Try as I might to move on with my new life as a monster, Bella wasn't making it very easy to forget her.

She had tried calling again, but Billy had answered the phone, and gave her some excuse about taking me to the hospital. I refused to answer the phone from there on out whenever it rang now, just in case it was her calling. The only other people that mattered were the pack, and if there was serious trouble, one of them could just send up a howl.

Sam and the others encouraged me to go and visit her, when I was ready, to let her know that we couldn't see each other anymore. They said it would be for my benefit and that I needed closure, but I really think they were sick of me subconsciously replaying every memory I had of her, and then the forbidding good bye scene that was sure to come. They tried to keep their emotions from me; to make themselves a blank canvas. But when we were wolves, there was no hiding their feelings from me. I hated the sympathy that I could feel almost oozing from Sam and Embry, and even Jared at moments. They all actually really _wanted _me to go, not only for their benefit, but for my own as well.

My human body began to heal. My voice mended itself, and was no longer cracking. The aches and pains slowly disappeared over the next few days as well. The fever stayed, but the pack assured me that it was completely normal for werewolves to run a little higher temperature than a regular human. I even was able to go back to school on Friday.

Yet, I still put off the trip to Forks.

Part of me, the logical, thinking part, said that I was postponing this unwanted visit because I wasn't fully convinced that I would be able to hold my emotions in check when I was around Bella. But this was only the cover up reason.

I knew the real reason that I didn't want to talk to her. There was a selfish side of me that was desperately hoping that there was some way to work this out. Eventually. I knew I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with her again anytime soon, and I'd never be able to tell her all of my secrets…but there was a resilient part of me that wanted to do whatever it could to keep Bella in my life.

I knew Bella would eventually try to come down to see me when I didn't call her back. However, it was still a nasty surprise when I heard my dad's old truck roaring up the road, betraying her arrival on the reservation.

_She's here._

I told Sam and Paul, who were running with me this morning, and I felt their attitudes almost imperceptibly shift. It was a Saturday, with no school, but Embry had been running longer than I had, so Sam had told him to take a break, and Jared was spending the day with Kim. Paul and Sam didn't need to ask who I meant. The tone of my voice was obvious.

But I was also lucky on a few counts; Billy wasn't home, so he wouldn't have to deal with Bella's interrogation. I was out running, and I couldn't go back to the house to phase while I was running patrol. I could however, watch and see what she was doing. We'd need to keep an eye on her while she was here.

_If you need to talk to her now Jacob…_Sam thought, _you can do it. Paul and I can cover the patrol for a few minutes while you…while you take care of the situation. _

I could hear him mentally stumble over the words, not wanting to make them sound worse than they already were. He knew how awful it was to have to hurt someone you cared about. He knew how much I hated him feeling sorry for me, so he tried to keep it to a minimum, but I still felt it, underneath his ever present calmness.

I had moved further away from them now, closer to the trees near my house.

_You mean, have to break her heart and act like a total ass? Nah, I think I'll pass, thanks. _I said sarcastically. Paul growled angrily.

_You have to do it sometime! _He snarled. _You're putting our secret in danger the longer she has hope that you'll come back to her! _

_Oh shut up Paul. You know as well as I do that the secret isn't going to get spilled just by her knocking on the front door. _Which Bella was doing repeatedly even while we spoke. I wondered how long she would stay there, calling for me. Paul was far enough away that his fury didn't even make my hair bristle.

_I just can't stand having her around. She's making you miserable, which is in turn, making me pissed. I don't want to have to deal with this much longer. _Paul rumbled. _And those parasites could come back any day. _He tacked on as an afterthought.

Sam stayed quiet, probably because he knew we were in no danger of actually fighting. He just continued to run his route, occasionally watching Bella through my vision. I heard him wonder how long she would stay there.

But, after only a few more minutes, she got in her truck, and left. However, the roar of the old Chevy engine did not turn right, and back out towards Forks, but left, deeper in the reservation and closer to town. She drove for a few minutes, and when she stopped again, she was closer to Sam.

He was crouched so low to the ground that he was almost laying down as he tried to hide in the scarce underbrush and trees. He ignored my musings and listened instead to the receptionist at the hospital. The girl was a junior, a year ahead of me, named Shelley Shaw.

_No, Billy hasn't brought Jake by lately. _Shelley was telling Bella. _But he missed school for a few days earlier in the week. _

Shit. She was checking up on me. I could almost feel Paul's silent 'I told you so' rolling towards me.

_Are you sure? _Bella asked. _Because when I called Billy, he said he'd taken him to the hospital, because he was sick. _

_Hmmm. _Shelley mused thoughtfully. _Well, if he was sick enough, Billy might have taken him up to Port Angeles instead. _

_Maybe. _Bella allowed, but she sounded uncertain. _Thank you for all your help. _With that, she swung out the door and into her truck.

_That was close._ Sam said, after untangling himself from the shrubs. _Jacob, you can't hold off much longer. What are you going to do next time? She won't be fooled forever. _

_I know. _I conceded miserably. _I promise, I'll do something about it, soon. _

Sam didn't say any more on the subject, and neither did Paul, although I could tell he wanted to. We circled around and around La Push, the surrounding mountains, and Forks. It was almost mind numbing, the endless circle. I was almost becoming used to this pattern of life. I didn't like parts of it, like giving up the girl I love, or the vampires, but if it had been my choice…I don't know if I would have hated it quite so much.

_I've got something! _Paul yelled anxiously through our brain. The excitement emanating from him could only mean one thing.

I stopped suddenly, screeching to a halt. My nails dug into the dirt in an effort to stop myself. It was now nearing dark, but I saw clearly where Paul was at, a small valley in between two of the mountains. It was bordering on where the Cullen territory used to be.

And I could also tell that the vampire stench seeping through Paul's thoughts were not old trails left behind from the former resident haunt of the leeches. Sam let rip a long, loud howl. Embry would have heard it, even from his house near the store, and Jared was supposed to be joining the group for the nighttime run soon, anyway. Sam and I booked it to where Paul was, and waited for their consciousness to merge with our own. Soon enough, Embry phased, followed not moments later by Jared.

_What is going on? _Embry asked worriedly. _I thought I was done for the day?_

_Yeah, I wasn't planning on leaving Kim's for another hour or so. _Jared whined.

_God, didn't you get enough time with your chick? _Paul asked disgustedly. _I mean really it only takes so long to—_

_Enough. _Sam warned Paul. He then proceeded to fill in Embry and Sam of what Paul had found. They hurried to where the rest of us were.

_The trail isn't even two hours old! _I exclaimed. _We might be able to catch her! _Because the vampire trail left behind was the same female who had killed the two hikers. The rest of the pack stirred restlessly, waiting for Sam to give us a game plan.

_Jacob and I will follow the scent directly, Embry and Jared, you come around from the east, and Jared you follow up from the west. We might be able to trap her. _He sounded hopeful. The others took their orders and went. Sam and I broke into almost a dead run, following the sickly sweet smelling trail with our noses. I could see the others loping around, Embry and Jared going around one side of the mountain, and Paul on the other. The changed their direction according to us, when we started to veer slightly to the east. I could tell we were gaining on this blood sucker. She was headed southeast towards Forks, but not near the road this time, and she was moving slowly, for a vampire anyway, not worrying about an attack.

And there was no way in hell she'd be able to get past us. Not when she was headed for Forks yet again. I felt dread in the pit of my stomach. Why did she keep coming back, instead of just moving on to a new hunting ground?

Soon, the stench in my nostrils was almost too much. My nose burned like someone had shoved fire up my nose, and I could hear the swift, light footfalls and swish of clothing that were most definitely not my pack mates. Suddenly, the footsteps stopped. I knew she would be able to hear us if we moved too carelessly. We stealthily crept closer. All of the pack members were tensed and awaiting directions. Embry and Jared were waiting for us to make a move, and Paul was almost to his position.

I wanted to move closer, to be able to see the leech, but I knew if I could see her, then she'd sure as hell be able to see me. All was quiet, and I couldn't hear her breathing. I was just wondering what Sam was waiting for, when suddenly—

There was a flash of color leaping over us. Before I knew what happened, the female was headed north again, away from Forks, but back towards the reservation.

_Head her off! Keep her on land, but don't let her get to La Push! _He mentally bellowed his instructions as we took off after her. It felt like we were moving at the speed of light. I could see the demoness up ahead of us, her wild, bright hair fanning out behind her like a wave. She would throw quick glances over her shoulder now and again, each one accompanied by a snarl. I could feel Jared and Embry spreading out more, and Sam and I did the same. We were all hoping to be able to corner her up against one of the sheer mountain faces.

_Jared, swing out further! _Sam told him. Jared did as he was asked, and the rest of us continued to pursue her. It was hard going full speed, trying to keep up with the vamp, and watching out for roots sticking up and trees around us. But we managed to keep on her tail. I even gained a little on her, for a while. Emotions were running rampant through my pack mates: excitement, anger, hope, fear.

But we were all tiring. For the first time since I'd had my new wolf body, I was pushing it to its limits, and I could feel the burn and pull in my muscles. The vampire could use her physical strength indefinitely; how much longer could we go on? But I wasn't going to give up, I couldn't.

The answer came when we reached a mountain range near the Canadian border. It was too steep for us to climb with our paws, and enormous sizes. It really pissed me off that we were going to lose her, and I willed myself to be able to jump high enough to reach the top of one of the edges on the side of the mountain.

_Don't Jake! _Embry yelled in warning.

I ignored him and launched myself into the air anyway. Maybe if I could just throw myself into the air with enough force…but I knew it was no good almost the moment my feet left the ground. I was going to hit the icy wall, head first.

I turned my head down and sideways at the last second, and the impact got me on my incredibly thick skull instead. I slid down the rock, and sank into the snow. I could hear the yelps and growls and howls around me as the others paced and watched the vampire crouching, catlike, at the top of one of the edges.

I opened my eyes fully and made eye contact with the cold, dead, and feral eyes of the female. She opened her mouth, let out a feral hiss….and then was gone.

**I hope you enjoyed…I'm not exactly the best at writing chase scenes, but I tried. Please leave a review and tell me what you think of the story so far. **

'**Preciate it. **

**Meghan**


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